More pain; More gain!

A very sad and really heart-breaking accident happened the past week at home. Both Ganesh and I were out. It was pretty late in the evening and Ganesh and I were due to go to Tirupathi the next day morning. We were all packed and ready. I had gone out to get some fruits to eat during the train journey. I happened to get a call and was talking for quite a while and got a little late. As I was walking back home, Mom called me to find out where I was. This was a little unusual because I had called her only about 15 mins earlier to inform her that I was finishing up at the fruit shop and I would be home soon. I did not think too much and just assumed that she was calling to remind me it was late because I had an early morning train to catch. When I got home I saw there was an unusual silence and the door was unlocked. I was a little worried and my fear proved to be right as I saw that my Mom had a bad wound in her feet and she was bleeding profusely. However, she looked very calm and so I assumed she probably had hurt herself in the door or something. My assumption was totally wrong because as I soon as I asked Mom what had happened, she started to cry like a child and told me that Cheeku, our pet Pomeranian had bitten her. She was very badly shaken up and sobbed inconsolably. She was hurting badly and she was scared for her life. I could see it in her eyes. And I was thoroughly shocked both by the fact that Cheeku(who we had all along thought was the most docile creature on earth) had done this and that I had never seen my Mom cry like this ever before.

I was sort of inactive for a few seconds and the first thing I did was try to reach Ganesh. I couldn’t get him on the line and so left him a message. When I think back now, there were two important lessons at that moment. One was that, however independent and rational you are, when there is an emergency you always tend to fall back on your loved one. And the feeling that there is someone to run to when in trouble is a blessing and we should not take it for granted. The other important lesson was something my Mom taught me silently even during her moment of trouble and pain. As I started calling Ganesh, Mom tried to stop me saying that I should not tell him what happened because he may panic while driving and that was dangerous. She also then told me that she had called me few minutes before I reached home to tell me about the accident but decided against it because she did not want me to panic. This is what I call ‘putting others before self’. Mom was scared to death about what had happened but had managed to stay calm because she did not want her loved ones to get into any trouble. As I think about it now, I am so amazed at her determination to give the most to others. I am not sure if I would have been so selfless had this happened to me. Now that is surely a lesson that I have to learn from.

One more revelation I had while pondering over this incident is about how human beings become child like as they grow old. My Mom’s inconsolable sobbing is still fresh in my memory and I couldn’t believe it was her because I have never seen her cry like that before. I’ve known her to have endured a lot of physical and mental pain over the years, but have never seen her cry like this. So, this was a surprise and may be it happened to remind me that as we grow old we all become kids again. I think this insight is very important as it shows how fragile old people are and how important it is for us to understand and take care of them. This is something that we probably do not realize easily especially with our parents because we have always taken for granted that they are there to take care of us. We don’t realize that there will be a time when we have to do the same for them. We may not be able to equal their sacrifices and their caring but we have to at least try hard not to hurt or trouble them in which ever way we can.

The last lesson I learnt was when I woke up the next day morning and was helping Ganesh to leave to Tirupathi (I stayed back to take care of Mom). I was still feeling very upset about what had happened and worried about how much pain Mom was going through. And as Ganesh was getting ready we had our first discussion of the accident after it had happened because the night before we were busy with treating Mom at the hospital. We both started talking about how this happened and both of us were really pained by what Cheeku had done. Ganesh being the more rational was only talking and visibly deeply pained but I could not control my tears as I spoke about how Cheeku had totally let us down by what he did. I realize now that I felt so emotional because when you love someone a lot and they let you down, you feel more sad than angry. It is a strange feeling when the person you love makes a mistake which hurts someone badly. You kind of feel very heart broken because you know this person so well and you know that he is a very good being but you cannot right his wrong. And that feeling surely proves that when you like someone dearly that person’s joys, sorrows, good deeds and bad deeds are all yours as well.

Hazy times; Unclear thoughts

I really don't know what is it that I want to write about in this post. There are so many lessons, may be all small ones, that I have learnt over the last month but was not able to share with all of you, because of the trying times that I was going through. The clouds seem to be clearing now and the sky seems to be becoming brighter as I try to piece my thoughts together again. It is a month since my last post and so I thought I should share my thoughts even if they are not about anything very concrete.

It has really been a battle living life this past month. It was mostly clouded with thoughts of despair. But like I have read somewhere, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. It is just important to keep up that journey to the end. I have always believed that God gives each person as much trouble a person is capable of handling and when it is time he will step in with the solution. I probably needed to go through all these travails to re-discover myself and my courage and conviction to live my dreams.

I tried hard to base this post of mine on one particular learning, but that seems to be hard. So, I am just going to list what all I have learnt and discovered the past month.

1. Accept to yourself what you really are and what you want out of life. This is important even if it means you are going to accept to something totally opposite to your present beliefs.
2. Try to talk about your fears to the ones whom you trust even if it means it might lead to some sour moments.
3. Muster the courage to make decisions that will give you peace and happiness.
4. The most important thing is to make decisions that you think will be right and will lead to happiness for yourself and for all around you. This might in the present be a very painful decision which might put people you love and care about into some trouble and inconvenience. But, if you strongly believe that this is the right thing to do at the moment, then you have to decide to go ahead, considering the long term benefits.
5. Sometimes, your loved ones are the not the only ones who can help you out, especially when your loved one is himself or herself undergoing a lot of stress. Look to friends whom you hold dear to help pull you out of the rut. Believe me, you would be surprised to find out how much your close friends are willing to do for you in your trying times. I am really lucky enough to have a freind like that!! Thanks my friend:-)
6. It is very difficult to stay positive at such trying times, but you have to try your best to concentrate on the solution to the problem, rather than the problem itself. So be receptive to people who offer solutions. Don't be offended thinking that they don't understand your feelings.
7. As many of you know, I am big fan of Robin Sharma, the author of 'The monk who sold his Ferrari'. And I have more than a couple of times read in his blog about how we have to face our fears to tide over them and feel a great surge of self-confidence. Infact, the topic of his blog today is 'Fear as Growth' and he says 'A fear is nothing more than a doorway into the highest version of your highest vision'. I sincerely believe this is true.
8. One more thing about living your dream is that when you decide whole heartedly to make your dream a reality, people and opportunities and ideas crop up from everywhere, even from quarters you thought never existed. You suddenly see ideas and positive vibes all around you.
9. Last of all, once you decide to live your dream, don't change your mind or swerve from your decision. Give it your best and leave it to the superior force above you (I didn't say GOD, because I happen to have freinds who are atheists and very frankly I myself don't know if the one word GOD could sum up all that is beyond our powers!).

I hope I didn't sound like a philospher:-) I just shared what I have been feeling.